[Video Script] The Bacon Heist

Video Script

EXTERIOR. A SUBDIVISION. THREE MEN ARE WALKING TOGETHER.

ANDY BUTTON
…And did you see the look on that guy’s face when I transformed Mick and threw him like a boomerang? He was like, “Whaaaaa?”

KEVIN COX
You’d think he’d never seen a man turn into a chunk of drywall before.

MICK MUNCH
Don’t throw me around like that anymore, Andy. I’m getting dizzy again just thinking about it.

ANDY BUTTON
Would you rather be back in that alley getting curb stomped?

MICK MUNCH
No… (He sighs.) But I hate being “Chunk of Drywall Man.” If I have to be a special, why can’t I do something cool?

ANDY BUTTON
You think having detachable arms is so much better? What about that time the tiger grabbed my arm and ran off with it? It took me a week to find it back! I’m losing these things constantly!

KEVIN COX
At least your abilities are useful every now and then.

ANDY BUTTON
And yours aren’t, “Baconmancer”? Speaking of which, I could use a little sustenance. Bacon me, bro.

ANDY HOLDS OUT HIS HAND EXPECTANTLY. KEVIN SIGHS AND HOLDS HIS HAND OVER ANDY’S. SEVERAL STRIPS OF BACON APPEAR IN ANDY’S HANDS.

ANDY BUTTON
(Chewing.) See? Best ability ever. Free food for life!

KEVIN COX
Free food for you, maybe. I can’t stand the stuff anymore.

ANDY BUTTON
You’re a mystery to me. How anyone could—hey, isn’t that the girl you like?

HE POINTS DOWN THE STREET. A MAN (THOMAS) AND A WOMAN (ESTHER MERTON) ARE ENTERING A HOUSE TOGETHER.

KEVIN COX
(Bashfully.) Yeah, that’s Esther. But who’s he?

ANDY BUTTON
Dude, she’s spending one-on-one time with some other guy? Bad news, bro.

KEVIN COX
I’m sure he’s just a friend of hers.

MICK MUNCH
I dunno, man. Women are fickle. I dated this one lady once—

ANDY BUTTON
(Condescendingly.) Sure you did, bud…

MICK MUNCH
I did, really! She was beautiful and amazing, and I was in love with every wrinkle on her face. Then I found out she was only hanging out with me so I would introduce her to my Great Uncle Broderick. But he has a motorcycle, so I guess that’s understandable.

ANDY BUTTON
Ew.

KEVIN COX
Thanks, Mick. That’s… helpful.

ANDY BUTTON
He’s right, though. Women can’t be trusted. We should go investigate! Come on!

ANDY AND MICK RUN TOWARDS THE HOUSE ESTHER AND THOMAS ENTERED.

KEVIN COX
No, guys, wait!

HE RELUCTANTLY FOLLOWS.


INTERIOR OF THE HOUSE

THOMAS AND ESTHER ENTER THE KITCHEN.

THOMAS
I had no idea you had moved here to Victoria. After high school everyone just went their separate ways, you know?

ESTHER MERTON
Yeah, that’s how life goes sometimes. (She rubs her stomach.) Ooh, I’m starving!

THOMAS
My fridge is kind of bare, but I could make you some… Uh, is bacon and eggs okay?

ESTHER MERTON
Sure, if it’s all you’ve got…
EXTERIOR

KEVIN, ANDY, AND MICK ARE PEEKING IN THROUGH THE KITCHEN WINDOW.

KEVIN COX
Is he making her bacon? That’s my thing!

SEEN FROM OUTSIDE: ESTHER GETS UP AND GOES TO THE BATHROOM.

ANDY BUTTON
Okay, I have a brilliant idea… Kevin, bacon me. And make it nasty.


INTERIOR

THE DOORBELL RINGS. THOMAS LOOKS UP FROM THE TABLE, WHERE HE’S SERVING THE BACON ONTO PLATES, AND GOES TO ANSWER THE DOOR.


EXTERIOR

ANDY BUTTON
Come on, Mick…

MICK MUNCH
Fine…

MICK REACHES UP AND PULLS ON THE SCRUFF OF HAIR AT THE BACK OF HIS NECK. HE INSTANTLY TRANSFORMS INTO A SMALL, SQUARISH CHUNK OF DRYWALL.

ANDY LAYS OUT SEVERAL SLABS OF DISGUSTING, WRINKLY BACON ON THE DRYWALL, SLIDES THE KITCHEN WINDOW OPEN, AND PUTS THE DRYWALL THROUGH. HE CAN’T QUITE REACH THE TABLE, SO HE DETACHES ONE ARM AND HOLDS IT WITH HIS OTHER ARM TO EXTEND HIS REACH. HE TIPS THE BACON OFF OF THE DRYWALL ONTO THE PLATE. HE TRIES TO PULL THE DRYWALL BACK BUT ACCIDENTALLY LOSES HIS GRIP. THE DRYWALL FALLS ONTO THE FLOOR AND TRANSFORMS BACK INTO MICK MUNCH.

MICK SITS UP, RUBBING HIS HEAD AND GROANING.

KEVIN REJOINS ANDY OUTSIDE THE WINDOW.

ANDY BUTTON
Mick, grab the good stuff and get out here!

MICK FRANTICALLY GRABS THE BACON THOMAS MADE AND STUFFS IT IN HIS MOUTH. HE GOES TO CLIMB ONTO THE COUNTER BUT HEARS FOOTSTEPS COMING. PANICKING, HE TURNS HIMSELF BACK INTO DRYWALL AND FALLS ON THE FLOOR.

ESTHER COMES BACK INTO THE KITCHEN. THOMAS REJOINS HER.

ESTHER MERTON
Who was that?

THOMAS
No one there… Hey, what happened to the bacon?

ESTHER
What?

THOMAS
Gross! It wasn’t like this a minute ago.

ESTHER
Hmm…

ESTHER LOOKS UP TO THE KITCHEN WINDOW.
KEVIN AND ANDY TRY TO DUCK OUT OF THE WAY, BUT SHE SEES THEM.
ESTHER LEANS OUT THE WINDOW.

ESTHER MERTON
What are you guys doing here?

KEVIN COX
Uh… Um… We were just…

THOMAS
And how did you do this to my bacon?

KEVIN LOOKS EMBARRASSED, BUT SNAPS HIS FINGERS AND SUMMONS SOME MORE (GOOD) BACON INTO HIS HAND.

THOMAS
That… is so awesome. Can I have some?

KEVIN COX
Sure.

THOMAS STEPS FORWARD TO GET THE BACON AND STEPS ON THE DRYWALL. MICK “POOFS” UP BESIDE HIM. THOMAS AND ESTHER JUMP AND YELL.

Beep. [End]

Stinger (post-credits clip):

ANDY, MICK, AND THOMAS ARE SITTING ON THE FLOOR, LEANING AGAINST THE WALL AND HOLDING THEIR STOMACHS. BITS OF BACON ARE ALL OVER THEIR SHIRTS AND PANTS AND THE FLOOR.

KEVIN IS SITTING AT THE TABLE IDLY WEAVING A BASKET OUT OF BACON.

THOMAS FINISHES LAYING SEVERAL STRIPS OF BACON AROUND HIS HEAD LIKE DREADLOCKS.

THOMAS
Guys, check it out: (bad accent) I’m a Jabacon, mon.

MICK THROWS UP.

Beep. [Actually End, For Real]

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4 thoughts on “[Video Script] The Bacon Heist

  1. Wait, is this the last post? This was over half a year ago. Did you just stop writing? If so, this is a rather weird way to end things . . .

    • The site has been on somewhat of a hiatus for a while, but things are just starting to get rolling again! I hope you’ll stick around to see how it plays out.

      The next thing I’m doing is posting a full re-write of Hands-On, since it doesn’t match the rest of the stories very well. (It’s first-person, it’s very silly, and so on.)

      After that, I hope to launch the next book, which will either follow after Who Killed Walter Carton? or after Hide and Seek.

        • I’ll try to get back to writing new stories soon! I just find it really hard to write new stuff when I know some of the old stuff is so far off where it needs to be.

          But the Hands-On rewrite is progressing nicely.

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